She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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