Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
my poor anus
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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