$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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