i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
