Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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