He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
