I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
