Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
