I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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