Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
