You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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