I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize