can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Randomize
