Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
