I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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