My room smells like vodka and shame
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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