So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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