Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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