Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Randomize
