I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize