I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
