i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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