that's an acceptable place to lick
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
