i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
