I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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