Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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