I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
