I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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