Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
