I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
