We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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