I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
