So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
