I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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