Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
