They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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