just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
