there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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