Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
