Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
