Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
