Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
