Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
