Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
