I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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