Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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