he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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