He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
