Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
