tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
