I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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