You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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