If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
