This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
