Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
