Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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