Plan B is the new Plan A
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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