She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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